fuck u

maybe you have become increasingly agitated

by the fact that I let too little a thing bothered me.

but have u ever tried to see things in my shoes?

busy-ness

so, I am back to university again. I thought I am done. but here I come.

it's exciting. but however, I am injecting myself into the realm of buzz again.

unbounded

I want to go there. not be stuck here with my own routines. go see what life actually is, not what people think it shud be.

death

I have many dreams

are some gently left postponed or abandoned

so that the others can acquire concentration and growth?

tired

I had a few creative epiphanies recently

but I lie there letting them pass by

instead of recording them down

that's how tired I am

now how do I get better?

old toys, new toys

around two weeks ago, i visited a friend's place. i fell in love with her husky after seeing photos of it on facebook last year. so finally, after many fb moments of "i'm gonna steal it from you!" I finally booked a "one day" and went over.

after being covered with silver fur and having a nice kim chi fried rice lunch, she took me to her room and I saw polly pockets!

yes, ever since, I got nostalgic and have been hunting for them. I spent 7 hours online today just doing this on ebay. I collected 45 items on my watchlist on polly pockets! huh. I thought to myself, if I were a billionaire, i'd buy them all! but of course, in reality, I'm not! so, I had to get practical. 20 on the list. 15 on the list argh! 5 on the list (gonna quash it down further after this post).

Like art, constraint is always a good thing for figuring what is valuable to us in life (yes, I just realised this while taking a shower at 3:30 am after I was forced to stop surfing since the router resets around that time).

With constraint, I realised that I might put something on a watchlist initially, but it doesn't mean my heart truly likes it (so beware when you go shopping! :P ). I saw a few of my childhood polly pockets online, a few new ones that are interesting and among these two options, I only get to figure that I only really like two because 1) each cost around $12 US and I have my new years resolution goal of 'saving more' to reach 2) at the back of my head, for some of them I was wondering, "do I really want you in my room?"

so, I could boil down the list from 40ish to 2 items! luckily I'm not a billionaire now, because if I were to have the resources before I have learnt the wisdom, I would have wasted all my money and filled my house with junk. If you asked why I want to spend all that time and energy hunting down my old toys (or even toys in general since I'm now an adult), so then my answer will be, because if something touches your heart, no matter what that item or living creature is, it's not junk anymore, because it, no matter how small, managed to make your life a little bit brighter.

I thought harder about how I managed to go from 40 to 2. It wasn't an easy task because it involves 1) figuring out why I don't really like it (or in other words, trying to convince myself to spend less :P) to the tiniest sensitivity that liking one thing of something is not enough to kept the entire thing 2) actually letting go despite the greed in us going "NO! NO! DON'T...!!!!" The aftermath: a sense of relief and greater contentment somehow :)

Am wondering if letting go of toys that we don't really want would apply to other things that we already have, like the habits we have, the redundant relationships we have. Let go of them might create a greater income of freedom? I have yet to figure out how this works :P maybe another night when my toy fetish has gone down :P

Haha. before I end this post, another thing to note is that I found my first polly pocket ever! It remains on my watchlist. I have found a new pollypocket that stroke me through the heart the moment I saw it. That remained on my watchlist too. which... brings me to a subtle thought: is the first pollypocket like my first kiss? where the imprint will always remain? is the new polly pocket like a true love? striking the heart completely? Talk to me!

difficult

you might not always understand me.

you might not always like what I decided to do

but know, that what I chose to do with my life

has nothing to do with whether I respect you or not

it is but simply an attempt to quench my curiosity

an attempt to keep my mind churning

an attempt to live

thus whatever I do

know that it doesn't matter

I still love you

hatred

I wonder where you came from. why you make me have ill feelings towards the ones I love. why? I want to figure out why.

Is it because their weaknesses is starting to suffocate me? what is a weakness in relation to anyway? Hatred... what is your purpose? If I can't figure it out, then I can't figure whether to side with you or to break from you.

Perhaps there is another way to think of this. That you are just a feeling. An animal feeling that is impulsive. That likes to scream. That is unprocessed.

Then. Yet. The purpose of being human is being the opposite, being more than, being the conquerer of the primal impulses within ourselves. Is it not?

Inspired by others

so my internet dies at exactly 3:30am each morning. I don't wanna jumpstart my router either. so, it's 3:14am now and I just got out of the shower. I better type quick I guess. haha.

I read quite a few people's blog recently. they are unedited, written in different forms. its "life felt" and interesting. made me learn a thing or two about my life too. so I decided to somewhat dedicate a few posts now and then to recording my life whenever possible :) if you don't like uncensored things, then maybe my blog isn't the place for you to be (to paraphrase some of the blogs that inspired me).

I have a CV and cover letter to finish up. will attempt to blog longer at another time when the opportunity arises. Till then, I leave you with my "first" note on why the slight (or ocassional) diversion from poetry format to more fully sentenced ones, and vise versa.

Night/Morning :)

is age the matter?

not wanting to try anything new

not wanting to go to the movies

not wanting to understand what the world's evolving into

I hope I'm not like this if I get to get old.

tool

I think

by writing words

possibly by drawing pictures too

without the pen

my thoughts would be incomplete

I'd go through life blurry and fragmented.

Thus as long as the pen exist

as long as my mind churns thoughts

I'd keep writing.

1.1.11 wasn't the new year

so at the start of the year

lots of things happened

people died, people left

new realisations

old realisations

new engagements

then now...

everything came to a halt

as if my mind has converged

all thoughts into a single point

and realise it needs a makeover

before it gets too dull and dies

I'll draft another resolution

cuz the new year

has just came of late.

miss you

distance made me see

the core structures in my life

like being able to text you anytime

being able to call you anytime

is not there anymore

now that an ocean came between us

think my heart just ached.

present

everything we ever wanted

is right here

just have to stop walking

and feel

goodbye

so you died
I'm not sure how to feel
I know death is here
but it feels surreal
because once upon a time
we laughed together

clipped

been awhile since I've kissed those lips
been awhile since our destinies' crossed
sometimes I see you here
other times, no where
and today I saw you again
san the wings of courage
san the wings of freedom
badly, silently, I sat here and hope
someday you'd find them again.

Exit Left

she said, when I was really young
I'd stare out of the window, stare into space,

into nothingness

you told me that
you said she called me a dreamer and that's how I'd be.

what was I dreaming of? I didn't know then.
time went by. she passed on. again you reminded me.
now I realised

it was the real me that I was dreaming of:
the one who beckons to break into the physical dimension

the one who rebels against merely being a wisp of the imagination.

aye. and I shall grant myself courage,

to always let me out.